Twice in my life, I have voted for a smart, strong woman to be president of the United States. Twice, I thought I would be part of history in electing our first woman president. Both times, I have been crushed. Both ran against the same narcissistic man, who mocks disabled people, abuses and defames women, commits fraud, courts our enemies, and more.

This time is harder. This time, we can’t think “he’ll surround himself with good people who know how to run a country,” because he told us he will surround himself with true loyalists. (The good people he hired last time have said he’s unfit and fascist.) People seeking cabinet appointments have said they want to gun down people like me.

This time, we’ve seen his Project 2025, and we’ve heard him use the words from Hitler’s playbook. Perhaps worse, this time he brought along a younger, smarter but equally deplorable running mate who could doom us to this hate-filled culture for generations. In his first term, he ensured that women lost agency over their own bodies and health. What other rights will he take and from whom?

I felt so much energy this time, even though she got a late start. I truly believed our country would not be fooled again and that I would see a woman president in my lifetime. Now I wonder if the misogyny is too strong. After all, this woman was a prosecutor, a state attorney general, a US senator, Vice-President of the United States. She is articulate and full of optimism and laughter. And this man has been convicted of 34 felonies. He was found guilty of defamation by one of the women he assaulted. Other crimes are pending but will now be whitewashed away.

Or is it the racism? We’ve seen the white supremacists come out from behind their hoods. It can’t be religion, because this man violates every value of every faith I’ve ever known.

Why? I’ll never understand it. I hope one day this country will learn from its mistakes, since it clearly didn’t learn from history. And doesn't want to, at least in my state.

I’ll be okay; my reproductive system has done its job (on my terms), and my career is over. Sure, I worry about my health care and social security. I still hope to vote for the first woman president one day.

Mostly, I weep for my children, my friends’ children and young women, my LGBQT+ friends and family. What kind of world is this for them?

But out of the darkness, we must find the stars.