When I began my journey as a mother nine years ago, I thought there was only one kind – the patient, omniscient, selfless matriarch who never tires and never complains. She has makeup on, there isn’t a hair out of place, her clothes are neatly ironed, and she is happy. She exudes confidence and joy.
Boy, was I in for a surprise. I quickly learned that either this person doesn’t fully exist, or she doesn’t exist within me. I’d argue the former is far truer than we are made to believe through the direct and indirect cultural references of our society and era.
Is it that before we become mothers it looks easier than it actually is? Or we don’t understand what we haven’t experienced?
As a mother of nine years to three little humans, the thing that has helped me survive to this point is honesty. Honesty with myself, with my children, and everyone else around me. Some days, I don’t like being a mom and I count the minutes until bedtime. The first time I said that to another mother, she broke down in tears. We aren’t used to being so honest. We are supposed to be happy. We are supposed to savor every moment. We are all in this together, and the more we are honest with each other the more we will be able to show up as the imperfect woman that has the genuine hugs, Band-Aids, problem solving and love. And we can begin to defy and break down these stereotypes that keep us hidden when the moments aren’t perfect or social media worthy.
Motherhood is the most defining moment of my life: the one where I’ve learned to accept my imperfections as my strengths, to constantly learn and grow, and to show up every day and try. Well, I think showing up is required but – you get it. I never accepted myself quite the way I do now until I became a mother. My body grew and birthed a baby, not once but three times. What is a more remarkable experience in the human existence?
If you wake up in the morning questioning whether you are good enough, ask yourself why. What is making you feel that way? Pressure that you put on yourself, maybe social media, seeing other mothers who look happy – think about it. If you are scrolling through social media feeds, you will surely question your worth and happiness. How could you not? Timmy’s mom sent him to school with a BPA-free lunchbox full of homemade organic food, and you didn’t. Surely this equates to failure? But -- what if we lifted each other up more instead of comparing and feeling less than?
After several years of finding my own footing, close friends who are becoming mothers ask me about my secret to motherhood joy. These thoughts have evolved just as I have and fall into three buckets. The first, is honesty. Brutal, brutal honesty. It is cathartic. The second is that I’ve always held on to my own identity as a human. I can’t give to my children if I am not fulfilled as a person first. I am not only a mother; I’m a lot of things. And a mother. So find what makes you happy and keep that. Trust me, you’ll need it. The third is trusting that my path is the right one for me. Read all the parenting books, gather all the parenting information you want, listen and observe other mothers, and then find what works for you. And never compare. Comparison is the thief of joy and it will surely send you to the couch crying into a bag of Cheetos.
So to the woman at Target who hasn’t brushed her teeth or her hair with a screaming toddler on your hip and a baby strapped to your back – I see you. The kids are all right. And so are we. Now go do something for yourself and let the kids color on the walls if it gives you a few minutes of peace. Magic Erasers work wonders.
About the Author - Shannon Abitbol
Shannon is a quiet observer who loves to take on new challenges, run really far and drink all the coffee. She is a friend, a mother, an insatiable reader; an old soul with an adventurous streak who loves to learn and try something new. A strong empath with a kind heart and a deep commitment to those that she loves, she is a mother of three amazing tiny humans who works as a nonprofit director by day.
Her experiences and self-awareness give depth to her perspective as a way to inspire honesty, openness and introspection. Her passion, caring, authenticity and kind heart are felt through her words and willingness to share her story.
What a fantastic post. As someone who has known Shannon for the past two decades, I can assure you that her posts are equally as genuine as her personality and demeanor. I’m grateful to consider Shannon a friend and we should all be fortunate that she is willing to share her incredible insight and keen observations on motherhood.